Neuman's Life 1

Neuman often wondered how his life has become what it has become. It had not become anything worthwhile and in spite of his best efforts it is far from what he wanted. To start with there were no efforts from him and he was not sure what he wanted. He was of convinced that this state of morbidity would turn his life into a symphony of happiness . He was a rebel and he rebelled against nothing of significance but for trivial ones which were triggered by people connected to him. He was a conformist when it came to larger issues of life.

No one conspired against him in his efforts to shape his life . Right from the moment go he had it fully under his control . It always amazed him that his life is totally out of control in spite of him controlling it. He blamed it on chaos theory. Newman never knew what chaos theory was till he looked at his own life.Even then it was so chaotic to filter out the chaotic components and analyse it to conclude that it was chaotic. It turned more chaotic when he discovered that no known human or source has had any kind of contribution in his life. Since no one contributed, he could blame none. Even if he could blame any, he was not sure whether the blame entirely lay with them without taking into account his own readiness to allow them to influence his life.

To start with he wanted to be English. He was not born in England neither were his parents English. At least he had hoped later that he would migrate to England. He never ventured out of his home town. He wanted to but he thought it was probably worthless and he is better off where he was. He knew no Englishmen and he desired to be one. His knowledge on English way of life were gathered from romantic Shakespearean movies and novels.

He wanted to live in a huge mansion with imposing doors and high ceilings . A butler to serve him and his guests , who drop in to spend a perfect afternoon in the balcony leading to the garden. The garden would have trees which flowered . He would wear crisp khakis with hat on his on his head and a pipe in his mouth so he could bite it while talking. They would discuss on geology and would wind up with a chilled lemon tea before proceeding to the club to play cards and discuss geology of women. He wanted to be that lordship whose ancestral investments in coal mines of England and petroleum wells of Arabia ensured that he need not worry about his means to live.

Instead he was born in a perfect middle class family who believed in spending afternoons in government offices or schools with high ceilings and dusty fans. Irrespective of whether you are working or attending school one had to sleep in the afternoon.Only a nap could refresh you for the dull evening which is to be spent in front of the television. If you discussed anything with friends it would be about sky rocketing prices and politics and would not last more than few exchanges. You had to earn for your month by sleep walking in offices and your ancestors left debt for you to clear.

He was unhappy with his surroundings and his unhappiness had driven him to an extent where he decided to alter the course of this life drastically. He was committed and motivated to do something about it. He did nothing and wished someone else could something about it. He immediately resented this thought as he never liked any one to meddle with his life.

In a quiet moment of contemplation, sitting atop neighbours compound and reflecting upon his wasted life it suddenly it dawned on him . He knew what exactly he had to do.He jumped down ecstatically enlightened.

He knew how he was putting his life in danger sitting there. He realised that he was better off sitting at his home and listening to the radio than sitting at his neighbours compound and enticing his neighbours dog with his butt. That wretched pet had come close to tasting his butt once before and he was determined not to give it any more occasion to deface him. He ran into his house and switched on the radio and listened to the farmer's show. Farmer's show because it is supine and doesn't kindle any desires. One has to be in that state to Live !! .

He was content with what his life has become and how it has taken shape over the years. His only regret in life was not wanting anything so strongly that he could regret not getting it later !

He was happy that he never pursued any of his interests ,lest it would have led him to disappointment. He was sad that he had no interests but the advantages of no interest outweighed the option of interests with disappointments. He had reached close to seeking out the meaning of life. According to him, life, had to be spent not acquiring nothing except thoughts and knowledge and has to be spent contemplating on the reason for god sending us in here. God didn't want us to achieve anything, he didn't want us to be that over aggressive performer with a sole objective to display superiority neither did he want us to covet neighbors ass or her skills. He wanted us to visit this place , spend time, decay and disappear.

He didn't want us to invent or discover anything. If he did he would have done it himself and put all of that in the world when he handed it over to Adam. He wanted Adam's life to be comfortable and didn't give him anything we use now. God could have given him a car, a mobile phone, a hut , anything. He did give him a slap in his ass when he screwed it up with eve. He didn't even give him eve to start with. Adam had to emotionally black mail god into giving him eve. God, feared that Adam would have made him look bad in front of others by walking around bored thereby making his experiment a joke among his peers.

So he did give him a company and that company triggered a sequence of events which made a joke of God's experiment in front of those powers whom he wanted to prove a point by creating this world. In retrospect , God wouldn't have given eve to Adam had he known of the repercussions. Since that act of giving , the world has been in a downward spiral and the mere purpose of living has been lost. Vain are those who argue that world today is a better place than what it was when Adam decided to blackmail God. All these inventions, creations haven't done a single bit to reverse or halt this downward hurl but has been a catalyst hastening it.

That's not what god wanted. He definitely didn't want that mobile phone, lest he could have spoken to Adam and his successors through that instead of taking trouble to shout so loudly to be heard in the caves down in earth. If he didn't want it , why do we want it . We want it because we desire those. We covet anything we see and we end up disappointed in our attempt to covet it. We hurry ourselves in life as though there is bliss at the end of the task we are hurrying to complete. There is no bliss, what is there ,is another task lined up so readily and neatly that we cant stop to contemplate.

Life is precious than all of that. Life has to be spent in slow motion and in peace. Peace with desires devoid of disappointment. If you are not disappointed and are living it at a pace where u are doubt u aren't living anymore, you have attained nirvana. At this precise moment when you think your life is not moving and has stagnated into a worthless state of existence, i assure you that you have become successful in your life are leading a meaningful life. Listen to that Farmer's show from which you cannot learn anything. Listen to it keenly as this would not propel you into doing anything but to switch the radio off. Morbidity is bliss! Morbidity is Life!! Morbidity is Nirvana!!!

Neuman had a meaningful life !! Viva Neuman!! Viva Supine-ty!! Viva Farmer's show !!!

Alfred H Neuman

While I rant carelessly on this blog, sure that there would be no visitors to this page ,apart from me , there is a clear and distinct danger that someone might actually slip in here. If such an intrusion happens , the probability of which is near zilch as of now, I am pretty sure that the prying soul would not venture into reading what i have got to say.Even if he does, the chances of his interests surviving beyond a paragraph is remote.

Miracles, do happen, and the best one that can happen to me is that the lost stranger who stumbled upon my blog decides to read on . While logical reasoning reasons that such an eventuality may never happen, mathematical probability indicated otherwise . As the learned knows that near zero and zero is entirely different and are separated by infinity . Such a mathematical probability can suddenly pick someone out of their comfort and catapult him into my blog. Theory of probability may not stop at that and can threaten the wits out of him into reading my blog.

When theory of probability works at its probable best bringing in all the ill luck upon such a stranger, i dont want him to think that this blog is a reflection emanating from the miserable life I lead . Now, I do lead a miserable life and I do reflect on many a things in a curious way. But it would give me more artistic liberty if I presented these contoured thoughts as that of an imaginary character and not as my own to avoid prejudice. Prejudice, since the same theorem of probability may ensure that the stranger who suffered reading my blog can turn out to be my boss and can extract revenge.

Hence I choose, Aflred H Neuman, cousin of Alfred E Neuman.

Younger Alfred is referred in these columns ( Boy, I really do take myself seriously) as Alfy . As the younger soul Alfy is brash,brave,youthful,stupid,wise, honest,fraud,frustrated, happy and sad. As the years taught him lessons and minutes added wrinkles he became a mature self and is addressed as Mr.Newman. As Mr. Newman, he has transformed and his outlook towards world has changed significantly. Now he is brash,brave,old,stupid,wise, honest,fraud,frustrated, happy and sad.

So , whatever u see in these columns are of Alfy and Neuman and hardly any experiences are mine. I am just a bystander who has been fortunate enough to witness Alfy and Neuman

Insane or Wise Guys ?

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it" - Reflected Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde .a.k.a Oscar Wilde.

I often wonder at which phase of his life did he say it. At the prison, doing hard labour for two years for 'gross indecency' or did he say it just after he was arrested ruing, he couldn't take the cue and escape or at his death bed fighting a lonely battle with his wall paper ?

I am sure he didn't say it when he was in that act of 'gross indecency' which by the by is the similar to that of what George Michael repeated a century later and learnt in a horrifying way that things have hardly changed.

I rue my tragedies too, of the misses i have had and the hits i have had. More than the misses, its the hits which have a deeper impact on life.

Don't Blv me ? Here's the argument :-

Are you perturbed more by the fact that you couldnt marry that bosom actress you have always desired since childhood or because u finally married whomever u are married to now??


More often the source of pain is from what you have than what you don't have. A itch you have is more troublesome than the fracture you didn't have. So, the idea is to concentrate on what you have and worry about it , than to worry on what you didn't have. It would be a appalling thought to worry about that fracture you didn't have.

Conversely it is a good idea to look at that itch you contracted and be happy that you didn't have that fracture. It is this clarity of thought which would make you content ultimately. So in order to have no worries at all, one has to relinquish everything he has . That's nirvana for people born outside India and Lunacy for people who were born in India, the place where the concept was born.

The most happiest lot are the loonies followed closely by a bankrupt bachelor who is about to become mad, closely followed by a dead mad man.

Loonies, in spite of being judged by majority that they are in sociable and unworthy , do seem to be happy and wise. Loony is a bit demeaning so i would thence choose the word ' Comfortably Numbs (CN)' ( borrowed from Pink Floyd) . Have you ever looked at CN's meeting with an accident on the road ? I haven't. No one I know hasn't . And no one whom they know haven't either.

I always wondered at the way they cross the road . They sure are aware of the loonies behind the wheels and are also conscious of the fact any display of alertness would remove them the hard earned title of 'CN' . So with a body language akin to a CN and a alertness un-spotted by us , they get to the other side carefully avoiding the loonies on the other end of the spectrum.

This one act is enough for me to classify them as Non - Loonies . They have understood clearly what Oscar Wilde meant and have shed every single thing in life excluding sanity to become insane.

Now, don't think that any one can become insane. It is definitely not easy to become insane. One has to work hard at it and consistently too. Danger of exposure lurks at every step . People try to put down the efforts, dismissing one's actions as intended one and not one which is a result of pure insanity. One has to be overtly insane and covertly sane to become insane. Please remember , you have to get your insanity certification done by sane persons who have chosen to remain sane there by proving their insanity. It is the wisest who know that being sane is actually insane and being insane is actually sane.

The trick, my dear, is in not revealing the above secret to everyone, in which case everyone would become insane overtly and sane covertly. Then the charm of being insane is lost and one has to work all the way around to become overtly sane and covertly insane to ensure we are saner than the saner insane.

So next time you come across an insane individual, let that respect be shown to them. They are the ones who have finally beaten life in its own game

Here are some quotes from famous lunatics ..err.. famous personalities,

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively” – Voltaire

“'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'
'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,” said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'”

- Alice in wonderland

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” - Robin Williams

“It is only too true that a lot of artists are mentally ill- it's a life which, to put it mildly, makes one an outsider. I'm all right when I completely immerse myself in work, but I'll always remain half crazy.” - Van Gogh

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.”

“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.”